Reference Installment #1 for the legal mumble jumble caveats  …and please keep in mind, these installments are nothing more than my opinion. Right or wrong, it is what it is.

I enjoyed the first installment so much I decided I couldn’t wait a week to write the second installment. It would be nice someday to turn all this into a book, but I’m not really sure there is a hot demand for an average person’s opinion. I had always been told Dr. Benjamin Spock, the author of many child rearing advice books, wasn’t actually a father, but after performing extensive literary research (read Google), I have discovered Dr. Spock fathered two boys and was a renowned pediatrician.   Darn it.  Not sure why you have to be an expert to write about the things you know, believe, think, ponder…but we all know I am the Expert of None so my chances are slimmer than I’d like.

That brings me to the topic at hand. Negativity.  The paragraph above could have been extremely negative.  I could have said I am not an expert in anything so I’ll never be published. I could have said why bother? There’s no way in hell anyone will care about an average Jill’s opinion of things and so there really isn’t a point in even having this blog.

But I didn’t.

That’s not to say I’m always positive, it’s just that in the last couple of years I’ve noticed a pattern in negativity that I’m trying diligently to stay away from. I have my days and those that know me know I definitely succumb to negativity.  It happens, we’re all human and like I said in the very beginning of Installment #1 I’m writing this life series as a reminder to myself as much as it is advice for you.  Negativity will drain you. It sucks the life out of you. It will ruin your chances of success.  It will corrupt the very core of all things good.

A bit dramatic, yes?  But it is true. Look around and go back to the main advice from installment #1 …analyze. Actually listen to what people say and how they say it. Watch how you react to different situations and write it down. Yes, a journal, diary, homework…whatever you want to call it is fine. After a week or so, you’ll notice a pattern. It might be a great revelation that you are far superior to all of us negative people. Maybe you’re perkier and more optimistic than you realized?  I would like to wish that for you, but chances are it won’t happen.  Most of us don’t even realize what “Negative Nancy’s” we are until we analyze our behavioral patterns.

There are times where you can’t avoid being negative. I’m not telling you the secret to life is faking optimism or lying when asked your opinion. That’s definitely not the point I’m trying to make. The point is negativity is physically draining and will cause damage to all your potential good thoughts.  It’s like a virus. Anything it touches becomes infested with bad. Period.

Have you gotten home from work or school and felt physically drained although you couldn’t figure out why? You didn’t do anything extra hard at work that day, and you slept very well the night before?  I will venture to guess you have a person or persons around you who are constantly negative.  I remember going through at time at my job where I was reaching the breaking point. I realized I had that “I hate my job” feeling but couldn’t figure it out. I don’t hate my job. I love my job and there are many people around me in this job that I really like working with. So why would I feel so drained and negative about something I love?

After a few weeks of this constant nagging negativity, I realized that I was overwhelming supporting negativity. I was an enabler. Yes, it was my fault.  Not only had I allowed people to feel as if they could dish out the negative thoughts in my presence, I reciprocated.  It became a negativity love fest. And I realized that in an attempt to communicate with family members, the gist of what I wanted to convey was negative.  They didn’t get to hear any of the positives. I only had their attention for a few minutes and wanted to get across the important points quickly. In doing so, I relayed all the drama and none of the norm.  My bad.

By the way, negativity comes in all forms.  There is the obvious, like my reference above, and then there is the subtle. The subtle, in my mind, is far more damaging.  It’s unsuspecting and causes a false comfort. This form may take a little longer for you to pinpoint and banish.

Here are examples:

Obvious:        

You:  Wow, what a gorgeous day!

Obvious Negative Person:  I know, it sucks because all these weather changes are going to get us all sick!

Subtle:

You: Wow, what a gorgeous day!

Subtle Negative Person: It IS beautiful, but I think I heard it may rain tonight.

See what I mean?  That negativity was just slipped right in after a positive. It was all cushioned and comfy. This is how innocent people like you are slapped with negativity. Sucks, huh? (Negative on purpose!)

Now…here’s the KEY! Once you realize the source of whatever form is draining the energy right out from your perky life, slowly begin to alienate it.  Now, I’ve recently been accused of alienating people around me at work.  That’s not a good gung-ho team attitude to have, but I just sat there and nodded and said, “understood”.  I do understand that I have alienated co-workers at times.  I did this for my health.  It will not do me well in my career if I continue to do this. I have to work smarter, not harder.  Therefore, I’m in the process of not being so obvious in my alienations. Notice I didn’t say I was going to stop alienating people, I said I am working on not letting it show.  My health and welfare are the most important things to me in the work environment, selfish? YES, but I’m at that point in life where my happiness is the key to the happiness of those around me.

When you figure out who the Negative Nancy is in your circle, you’ve got choices.  Obviously if YOU are the Negative Nancy, you’ve got to change your way of thinking.  Now instead of thinking “it’s gorgeous, but it is going to rain”, train yourself to correct yourself!!

Here’s how the mental conversation should go:

Wow, it’s so pretty out, shame it’s going to rain. Hmmm…that sounded an awful lot like that BRILLIANT “Expert of None” blogger was talking about. She said I need to change my way of thinking.  Ok, take two.  Wow, it’s so pretty out, I should go for a walk or wash my car while it lasts…good job, self! I do feel better. Thank you blogger, you have SAVED MY LIFE! (Haha…ok, got a little carried away…)

Back to the business at hand…there’s probably going to be a follow up homework assignment on this one. If you recognize a bunch of personal negative thoughts, go back to that journal and start recording them.  I know, it is hard work to becoming the best possible you, but you’ll thank me.  After a week or so, read the entire journal.  You’ll see what I mean and then you’ll know exactly where to start training and correcting yourself.

If the Negative Nancy isn’t you, I’d say congrats for that personal accomplishment, but this is actually a worse situation.  You’ll find out it is much easier to correct personal behaviors than it is someone close to you. As it should be.  Here are your choices depending on how close you are with that person who drains your optimism:

• You can have a talk with them. I only recommend this if you are very close to that person AND they are typically receptive of constructive criticism.  This is not very many people. It is tough hearing there may be something someone else finds “not exactly kosher” about your personality.  So the best way to go about this discussion is to say it nicely and vague…like:

You:  Wow, what a gorgeous day!

Obvious Negative Person:  I know, it sucks because all these weather changes are going to get us all  sick!

You:  Well friend, that’s always a possibility, but let’s be more positive and go out and enjoy the beautiful weather while we can.

Or, depending on the closeness of your negative friend, you could:

You:  Wow, what a gorgeous day!

Obvious Negative Person:  I know, it sucks because all these weather changes are going to get us all sick!

You:  Gee friend, that’s an awfully negative way of looking at things. I’ve noticed you seem to be down lately. Are you ok? Is there anything I can do?

This way you get your point across, but still highlight the fact that you’re a worried friend who wants to help.

• Slowly start to remove yourself from their line of fire.  Meaning, if this person is not a very close friend, start gravitating towards the friends who don’t suck the life from you and in doing so, nature will take its course.  If the friend comes back to you later and asks why you two aren’t hanging out as much anymore, be honest but kind…”well, I was working on being a healthier “me” and needed to be around inherently happy people.  You were in a bad place in your life with (work, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever), and I didn’t feel I could help you. It was physically draining me to let you down like that”. Yeah, a little cheesy, but you get your point across and it puts the blame on you, not them.

•  Whether this is a close friend or not, you can take the lead and change the overall theme of the discussions.  Even in a large group you can twist the info to lead the group into a more positive discussion. The more you change the conversations from negative to positive, the more the members of the team will follow your lead.  It’s changing by habit. A habit that you will be responsible for creating.  Like…

You:  Wow, what a gorgeous day!

Obvious Negative Person:  I know, it sucks because all these weather changes are going to get us all sick!

You:  Well, hey, while we’re all still healthy and it’s beautiful out, let’s go fly kites!

Or:

You:  I wouldn’t mind a cold right about now…at least it may give me a day off from work!

Or:

You:  That’s fine with me! But hopefully, we all won’t be under the weather until             that cold front comes in next week.  Then it won’t really matter.

Again, like installment #1, I could go on and on about this.  The point of this LIFE series is for you to become a better YOU.  Trust me by saying this…if you remove the negativity surrounding you, it will make you feel better.  Negativity is a life sucking factor that is avoidable and you deserve to be happy and healthy.

Don’t forget…I can be emailed directly at expertofnone@gmail.com or leave your comment or question here! Happy Bloggin’ ya’ll…